I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
