Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
