Dual....:-)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
