I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
