she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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