NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
