I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
