Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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