The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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