i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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