Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
