We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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