she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i've created a new STD.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
