Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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