Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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