On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize