Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
