I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
