I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
