Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
