chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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