My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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