I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
