I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
