i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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