You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
