If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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