I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
