Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
