dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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