Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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