shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My ass is underappreciated
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
