Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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