An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
