New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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