i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
