And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
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