when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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