Ambien. No doubt about it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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