Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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