broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
