omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just tell him i said nine months
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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