I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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