Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Drunk is not a location!
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