I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
