3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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