I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
