It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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