she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
