I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize