It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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