I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
