he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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