i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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