I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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