I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
