Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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