When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
